Friday, April 1, 2016

No Small Talk. Ever.

I went to a funeral recently. It was a low attendance funeral. Funerals suck by default, but the actual service for this one was pleasant, and the eulogies were sweet and poignant. It's the aftermath that got me. Few people - people I love and normally would cut up with- were there. However, because we were at a funeral, the social norms are different than our normal everyday setting. I couldn't joke or kid. Somber talk only because that is what is appropriate. I can't do it. I had nothing to say. I left all heightened and needing a Valium. I couldn't come down from my amped up state. It sucked. It ruined my day.

Today I passed someone I really like in the hallway. He asked me how I am doing. I said fine. My face said not fine. He tilted his head in inquiry. Okay, so I am not fine, but I cannot tell you all of the reasons that I am not fine. Because I tell too many people. I get verbal diarrhea when I start in on why I am not fine. You will know everything about me and it will end in me feeling sorry for myself because I cannot get out of this job and into a new one because I am not good enough and made poor life decisions.  Damn you, small talk!

I am convinced that my job is doing me in emotionally. Too much down time. Too much idleness. Too much self-reflection. I pray that God will put me on a different path soon. If I weren't a working mother who needs to pay the rent and provide insurance I would walk out the door today. Rational thought tells me to work, "fuck that get money" and pay for your insurance, fool. Emotional thought says walk out today, go home and clean your house and raise your kids and find your path.  Of course, I cannot ever figure out if leaving is really what is best for me mentally or if it is a safety behavior. My therapist says if it makes you feel good it is probably a safety behavior. Ugh.

I feel like all of my thoughts are scattered today. If you are still reading this, thanks. You might be as desperate as I am. We should be friends, or not, since we would only feed each other's anxiety.  Side note: I used to think that we needed Anxiety support groups until I realized we would stand up and say all of our what-ifs, and then everybody else in the room could just add to those so we would descend down the wormhole more rapidly as a group than in our own in isolation. To my fellow sufferers I say, fight the good fight, it's lonely out here on the field. But this battle, we have to win this one on our own. 

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