Thursday, March 31, 2016


Accurate meme is accurate.

Sometimes I cannot tell if I am full of Anxiety or on the cusp of Depression.  It's a thin line to toe.  And as someone who suffers from Anxiety, that one thought starts the hamster wheel. Am I depressed or am I not depressed? Is it Anxiety or is not Anxiety? Am I crazy? Well duh. Of course I am. I'm crazy.  I need to be hospitalized. Why won't anyone see how crazy I am and put me in the hospital?

From Monkey Mind, pg. 174.  "No one with panic attacks and Anxiety has ever gone crazy. In fact, because you realized that you have panic attacks, this is just another indication that you are not going crazy. People that "go crazy" lose contact with reality.  Anxious people are too much in contact with reality.  Thus people with anxiety never go crazy." 

How unfair is that shit? It's like saying, "Well, I know that you are on the edge and you feel like you are on the edge and about to plummet to your death, but you are aware you are on the edge and don't want to jump so you won't jump.  You are safe. You just have to continue standing there with the fear in your heart like you are about to jump. Enjoy that weak feeling in your private area as you look down. Have fun with that." 

There are highs and lows with Anxiety. Sometimes I feel cured, and then I get slammed in the face. Like Anxiety is a Mack truck hitting me head on. I am in a big slump right now, hence the new blog and the consistent journal entries.  Artists are always more productive when manic. 

Anxiety inducing topics for the day:

1. Forgot to eat lunch with my mentor yesterday, going to make it up to her today which should decrease my anxiety bc a plan is in place, but I am still beating myself up for forgetting in the first place.

2. Double booked myself for a weekend in April with 2 things I really want to do. Hamster-wheeling between which to choose.

3. My job.
4. Boredom.
5. My weight.
6. Money.
7. They hate me. They don't like me. I am unlikable. 

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