Monday, May 23, 2016
Today is a raw day. Very, very raw. I saw my therapist this morning which generally helps, but hasn't really thus far in this case. Sometimes I really do not know where the line is between anxiety and depression. I am so anxious and tired of fighting that I become depressed. Because I don't think I will ever win this war. It is a war against an untouchable, like "terrorism". It's not concrete. I cannot hit it or punch it or beat the fuck out of it. I am just here. Everyday. Struggling to function and be "normal". And inside I am not normal. I want to be in my bed, under the covers, hiding. I know that I am considered at a functioning level and not a debilitating level, but when do I get to qualify as debilitated? I want FMLA. I want to stay at home. I want to find my balance somehow. But I cannot hide and figure this out. Because I am an adult. Because I have to work. And I have bills. And I have 2 children who need my insurance, and a husband I need to help financially support our family. I just wish I could take a melon ball scoop and scoop out the section of my brain that does this to me. I want to enjoy life, but I don't. I wallow in it. And that's flat out sad.