Friday, May 12, 2017

Writing is supposed to be cathartic, so this is my “Ode to Finding Inner Zen.”

May 8, 2017
Anxiety is a living, breathing thing. It’s like a little devil on your shoulder who sits quietly for a long time, and then it starts whispering in your ear when you need it the least. It’s that feeling that the shoe is going to drop. It’s going to drop!!! IT’S DROPPING! WATCH OUT!!!! Wait, it didn’t drop…it will in a minute. Here it goes. It’s going!!!…

I have long been unhappy professionally. My brain wasn’t busy enough. I was at a long-time job that lacked mental challenges, but it was safe, and full of people that I loved. And full of people that loved me. One who came to be my best friend and rock. But I was driving myself mad, because without mental stimulation at work, I turned my thoughts inward and started to break myself down. I started to criticize and critique all that was wrong with me, and all the reasons it was my fault that all the things were wrong. So, I got out. I got a new job and I am happier professionally than I have been in years. However, Anxiety is still there lurking. Because it knows I am at a new place where no one loves me. And no one will ever love me because I am not loveable. I traded emotionally security for professional stimulation, and now I have professional stimulation with severe emotional insecurity.

Emotional insecurity is the worst. I am an only-child-latch-key-kid from a broken home. I am an isolationist who doesn’t want to be isolated. I have the need to be alone, but the need to be with someone. You know, just in case I need a hug or someone to hold me when I cry. You can leave me alone the rest of the time, but when I start to emotionally buckle, someone best be there. If not, I am curled up in the most enclosed space I can find, crying and rocking myself to self soothe.   Please hug me and tell me everything will be OK.

May 12, 2017

I’m getting the ugly out. My therapist says it is healthy to sit and get the yucky out when I feel it. I feel it right now. I feel self-doubt and insecurity and fear of never being comfortable again. I have the fear of trust: who is trustworthy, who will be loyal, who will be looking out for number one? I have the issue of being so caught up in my own feelings that I am not paying attention to others. I need to go back to my office because I feel safe there. I have to get back now. I have to go home because it is 5.  I have to get there because I feel safe there. Anyone I should be waiting on be damned. I have to go. I have to get in my safe space. It is hard. Things are hard. The only thing I have to go on now is the evidence of the past. I saw a former staff/professor yesterday who made me feel good about myself because he knew me when I was in my comfort zone and was productive, efficient, and fully competent. I miss the time of being fully competent. Learning is hard. Trying new things is hard.  Having Word tell me that “have to” should be replaced with “MUST” is hard. Can’t I even unload correctly right now? I need my things to slow down. All of the things. I need to feel in control over something. I feel in control of nothing. But I have to be careful not to internalize it and turn it into something obsessive like watching my weight or self-deprecation. The only thing I can control is my writing and my responses to these stressful new things. So I will purge all the thoughts onto the monitor in black and white for anyone with an open records request to read. Because it is what is the best decision for me at this time given the information and tools I have on hand. Looking into my brain is uncomfortable and sad, honestly, but holding it in and not acknowledging it is there just allows filth to fester and grow and overtake me. I will not let this beat me. Go away, Anxiety! Go away, self-doubt! Go away, this devil inside!