I have to try and remember that although in hindsight these reasons look shoddy if you want to have a flourishing career and climb the professional ladder, I did what I thought was best for myself at the time. However, that doesn't help me today when I am completely disenchanted with my day-to-day work life, and I have ample time to sit and contemplate all of the things I have done wrong career-wise, and how other will see this "career" path I have been on. Because it hasn't really been a path. It has been a holding pattern with pay and insurance.
Monkey Mind, pg. 152: "Idleness is as much Anxiety's plaything as the devil'.s" #truth.
As my years in my current position have increased, so has my down time. Am I just too efficient at what I do? Have I streamlined everything to the point that I made this idle time myself? Doesn't matter, really. I am where I am. I am on the internet daily combing websites for job postings. Today I looked up "Best jobs for people with anxiety." Hey, it told me to become a writer and start with a blog. I'm on it.
I really want to look into being a teacher because I love kids, and it might could happen through a program in my state that allows those with higher ed degrees to step into a classroom without a teaching certificate. I passed the middle school social science test required and have the appropriate degrees. However, they have to be willing to take a risk on someone who has never been in a classroom. I am praying someone will.
Idleness is killing me slowly but surely. I sit and think about all I have done wrong. What has led me to sit in this room with the walls closing in. I even hung a picture of Jigsaw from the Saw movies on my bulletin board in my office. Because that is how I feel. That I am going to have to cut off an arm or a leg to get out of this place. Someone help me get out of this place. I NEED to keep my brain busy. I NEED some problems to solve or people to direct. I NEED to quit cycling in my mind all that I have done wrong and how I will never get out of this hole. I NEED emotional comforting, but somehow that never comes. It's like my brain NEEDS a hug, but that isn't physically possible.
For as many past appointments as I can remember, my therapists asks me, "So, how are you?" And my response is always, "Tired." Because I am so very, very tired of thinking and fighting with myself internally. I want to quit work. I want to stay at home and clean my house, and enjoy each day by going outside and moving in life. I want to get out from behind a desk and LIVE.