Paraphrased from Monkey Mind by Daniel Smith: You are human! You are fallible! You will enjoy life much more if you accept- no embrace- that there is no such thing as a good decision or bad decision. THERE ARE ONLY DECISIONS! Make them, fuck up, enjoy, repeat! IT IS MORE LIKELY THIS WILL NOT KILL YOU!!!
Monday, May 23, 2016
Sometimes it's too much to post
Today is a raw day. Very, very raw. I saw my therapist this morning which generally helps, but hasn't really thus far in this case. Sometimes I really do not know where the line is between anxiety and depression. I am so anxious and tired of fighting that I become depressed. Because I don't think I will ever win this war. It is a war against an untouchable, like "terrorism". It's not concrete. I cannot hit it or punch it or beat the fuck out of it. I am just here. Everyday. Struggling to function and be "normal". And inside I am not normal. I want to be in my bed, under the covers, hiding. I know that I am considered at a functioning level and not a debilitating level, but when do I get to qualify as debilitated? I want FMLA. I want to stay at home. I want to find my balance somehow. But I cannot hide and figure this out. Because I am an adult. Because I have to work. And I have bills. And I have 2 children who need my insurance, and a husband I need to help financially support our family. I just wish I could take a melon ball scoop and scoop out the section of my brain that does this to me. I want to enjoy life, but I don't. I wallow in it. And that's flat out sad.
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